


Choking

by Schangia



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Universe, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt, M/M, being around ushijima made oikawa feel like he was being choked, heavy on the metaphors in this one, it's a translation of one of my german stories so that's probably why, oikawa deserved better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:40:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24960217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schangia/pseuds/Schangia
Summary: Not knowing how important his own existence was to Ushijima felt as if he was being smothered, as if long, powerful fingers were wrapped around his slender neck instead of being tangled in his hair.
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 69





	Choking

The air in Ushijima's bedroom was stifling, sticking to his lungs like viscous lava, leaving behind burned flesh and limiting the vital functions of his body. Each breath took an immense amount of effort, quickly turning into an exercise you could only execute as an athlete. Nevertheless, Oikawa inhaled deeply—there was a familiar scent he could make out faintly in the warm air—and quickly closed his eyes because the little stars dancing across his line of sight made it hard to see.

As soon as the unpleasant dizziness had ceased, he opened his eyes again and let his gaze wander. Ushijima's room was the exact opposite of lavishly furnished, but that was to be expected. All furniture was plain, either black or white, and even after all the time he had spent here, Oikawa could count the number of remotely personal belongings on the fingers of one hand alone. The window was closed at the moment, probably to keep out the sweltering summer heat, but he was convinced that the inside of Ushijima's bedroom was far more stuffy than the outside could ever be.

Streaks of sunlight managed to slip through the blinds, bathing the room in vibrant orange. Despite occasionally glancing at the clock on Ushijima's desk, Oikawa had actually lost his sense of time completely. Even his senses had become harder to control, most likely because he had been drinking close to nothing in the past few hours. What demanded his full attention, however, was the large hand drawing vague patterns on the sweaty skin of his neck.

“Do you ever think we should just stop this?” Oikawa eventually asked, not surprised at how hoarse and fragile his voice sounded against the oppressive silence. Neither of them had talked during the past hours; all communication between them had been reduced to choked moans and breathless whispers. Oikawa had been asking this question countless times already, especially in moments like these with his head resting on Ushijima's bare chest (because his heartbeat calmed him down like nothing else ever would, but Oikawa swore to never admit that) and long fingers running through his brown locks.

Ushijima's answer was always the same: he lazily tugged at some soft strands of hair before massaging his scalp with slow, circling motions. He never dared answer him with words since he had never learned how to properly make use of them, as opposed to Oikawa. Still, never receiving a satisfying response wasn't something that actually upset him. After all, Oikawa didn't even know himself how to define what was happening between them.

*

That didn't stop him from asking these questions, again and again, even if nothing ever changed. Ordinarily, it was almost ridiculously easy for Oikawa to understand other people's reasons for their actions, sometimes only requiring one probing glance to figure out what they were feeling or thinking, filtering out their strengths and weaknesses both on the court and in their daily life. His superior insight into human nature had led to Oikawa feeling safe in every possible situation because at the back of his mind he knew he was always the one in control.

When it came to Ushijima there was no feeling of safety since he was the only person whose actions he could never comprehend. Oikawa had tried to read and understand him ever since they first met, but up until this point he had always failed. Whenever he was spending time with Ushijima, he was forced to trust the strange feeling of protection he only felt right next to him, but the sensation was so foreign to him that he was scared to let go completely.

Oikawa had always been a suspicious person when it came to things that were new to him, so he treated his relationship with Ushijima—if that was even the correct word for their arrangement—with utmost caution. At least that had been his plan, when in actuality he had trod too deep into this confusing whirl of emotions and was now unable to function properly without the other's touch. It scared him, more than anything, to depend on the existence of another human being; it was something he had never wanted for himself.

Not knowing how important his own existence was to Ushijima felt as if he was being smothered, as if long, powerful fingers were wrapped around his slender neck instead of being tangled in his hair, squeezing hard enough for him to arrive at the conclusion that just closing his eyes and giving in was the only option left to him.

*

Maybe they would've walked down a different path if Oikawa hadn't met Ushijima during his last volleyball match at Kitagawa Daiichi. Despite the pride he felt at winning the Best Setter Award, he still didn't feel like he left the gym victorious. The loss against Ushijima's team bothered him too much for any award to ease the pain.

When he met his newly found rival in the hallway, his whole body felt impossibly heavy all of a sudden. Oikawa just stared at Ushijima, mesmerised, muscles tense, and eyes widened in surprise. He wanted to scream, loud enough for both their ears to burst, and was only one ill-considered comment away from throwing his framed award at Ushijima's head. The only reason the award hadn't slipped from his hands yet was because he was clenching them to fists. In the end, Oikawa did nothing; he couldn't even tell what expression he wore.

Then Ushijima approached him with poorly concealed hesitation, and his first impulse was to run away. Yet he didn't move at all and simply continued staring at him. Ushijima appeared rather unnerved by the way Oikawa stared at him, but despite that he came to a halt right in front of him, his gaze tentative and cautious. He willed himself to lock eyes with Oikawa and raised his hand. At first, he thought Ushijima was going to hit him, and even though it was a ridiculous assumption, he closed his eyes, awaiting the impact. When he felt a large hand reluctantly pat his head, he winced.

“Good game,” Ushijima murmured barely audibly. If Oikawa would have paid attention to anything besides the droning beating of his heart, he had seen the red tinge on Ushijima's cheeks. But even with his eyes open again, he only gazed fixedly at the space between the other's feet, desperately trying to come up with a reply.

“Next time we're going to win,” he finally announced, too loud for the small hallway, after Ushijima had already started walking again. Oikawa almost didn't recognise his own voice as it bounced off the grey walls. As expected, he didn't receive an answer, but he didn't actually mind. Between all the chaos and questions swirling inside his head, the only clear thought he clung to was how warm Ushijima's hand had felt on his head.

*

After that encounter their paths had crossed regularly. While each encounter had appeared accidental, Oikawa was convinced he had subconsciously provoked every single one by deliberately hanging around places he knew Ushijima visited often. Their second official encounter, however, was when they faced each other as captains of their respective teams during the Inter High preliminaries. After their defeat, Oikawa had remained in the changing room for a while, waiting for his tears to dry enough that he could fool inattentive people with a fake smile. But when he finally left the changing room to go back home, he spotted Ushijima leaning against the opposite wall as if he had been waiting for him patiently.

Ushijima was the last person he wanted to see right now, not this soon after his defeat. Instead of moving, Oikawa just stared at him blankly. As expected, Ushijima also didn't say a word. The silence between them felt different from usual; it made his hair stand on end, discomfort heavy in his stomach. Before he could stop himself, Oikawa started laughing. It was a terrible noise, filled with spite and pity, and he never would've thought that he was capable of sounding like that.

“Did you come to laugh at me, Ushiwaka-chan?”

He knew it was an unfair question. Ushijima would never laugh at him nor any other opponent for losing against his team, but at this moment Oikawa wanted anything but to be fair to him. Maybe he just wanted him to feel as horrible as he did, but he wasn't completely sure about that either. Not knowing how to respond properly—Oikawa could tell that Ushijima was overwhelmed by the way he acted—Ushijima furrowed his brows.

“I told you not to call me by that name.”

Instead of saying anything, Oikawa laughed again, more desperate this time. The laughter shook his body enough for him to support himself against the wall. A few heartbeats later he raised his gaze again, looking at Ushijima with unseeing eyes.

“And since when do we care about what either of us wants?”

Oikawa regretted his words the moment he saw Ushijima's eyes widen in surprise. All of a sudden there was nothing he wanted more than to flee, but before he could honestly consider running away, Ushijima had already pushed himself off the wall and walked towards him with long, determined strides. Perhaps he had noticed how Oikawa's eyes were still red and how his gaze was missing his usual confidence; perhaps he just wanted him to stop talking.

Whatever his reasons, they became meaningless when he pulled Oikawa close and held him firmly against himself. Initially, Oikawa wanted to free himself from the other's grip, but the moment he realised that tears were burning in his eyes again, he let out a frustrated groan and buried his head in Ushijima's chest. Then he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and focused solely on the arms around his body, the soothing warmth and the familiar scent surrounding him. He couldn't tell how much time had passed when the usual question slipped from his lips.

“Do you ever think we should just stop this?”

Oikawa didn't have the strength to raise his voice, instead mumbling the words into Ushijima's jacket. He wasn't even sure if he had actually asked out loud or only in his head, much less if Ushijima had heard him. The only thing he knew for sure was that he didn't receive a reply yet again.

*

When Ushijima met him in the hallway after Shiratorizawa's defeat against Karasuno, he couldn't spot any dried tears on Oikawa's face. The only emotions he allowed him to see behind his set smile were regret, sorrow and the certainty of having failed to reach his goal. Ushijima didn't even know how to handle his own emotions, so dealing with people like Oikawa was something he was infinitely bad at. It was even worse when he knew he was supposed to comfort him but simply didn't know how to.

For a while they just stood facing each other, neither looking at nor touching each other because they weren't alone and hadn't defined their relationship clearly enough for either of them to know how close they were allowed to get to each other in public.

“All I wanted was to finally win against you.”

Oikawa's voice rang hollow in his ears even though it was filled to the brim with broken promises. Ushijima felt his chest tighten painfully once he realised he couldn't help him.

“There's always next time,” he pressed through gritted teeth, making Oikawa wonder why the only answers he ever got were nothing but lies. Oikawa was still looking at the ground, waiting in exasperation for the people around them to finally disappear.

“Do you ever think we should just stop this?” he finally asked even though the surrounding noise only got louder. He had raised his voice enough for Ushijima to hear, but when he didn't get a reply after half a minute, Oikawa raised his head and, with a bitter smile on his lips, saw that Ushijima had already left.

*

Oikawa knew that there were only two possible answers to his question. Either Ushijima continued his silence until he grew tired of waiting and decided to change the topic again. That was their usual routine he had grown accustomed to, but it was also the reason nothing ever changed between them. Still, there was a different possibility; Ushijima finally presenting him with a definite answer and disappearing from his life for good.

It was unusual for them to end up in Oikawa's bedroom, but after accidentally running into each other today—at least as accidentally as Oikawa wanted it to appear—his home had simply been closer. The sun had started setting the moment they entered his bedroom, but the rays of light falling through the window were still warm enough to make the air sticking to their naked upper bodies feel unbearably hot. He pulled Ushijima onto the bed, wrapping his arms around the other's neck and kissing him until their lips hurt. Oikawa had learned to hate the summer because it stole his breath away the same way Ushijima did.

When it felt like long fingers were reaching for his neck again, Oikawa pushed him away and gasped for air. They didn't say anything, just stared into each other's eyes with a mixture of desire and a lack of commitment that made Oikawa taste bile on his tongue. His next words were nothing but a shaky whisper getting caught in the thick air.

“Do you ever think we should just stop this?”

It wasn't a question any more but a decision he was forcing upon him, and even before the last word had left his lips, Oikawa knew that everything between them had just come to an end. Ushijima's eyes grew wide in shock and Oikawa could only imagine how cornered he must've felt. For a few seconds it seemed as if he just wanted to continue where they had left off, as if he hadn't heard him. Then Ushijima took a deep breath, stood up from the bed and grabbed the shirt he had carelessly thrown onto the ground a few minutes ago. Without saying another word he dressed himself and left without looking at Oikawa.

Only when the door snapped shut did Oikawa fully realise what happened. He struggled to catch his breath because he couldn't stop laughing. Oikawa laughed, loud and erratic and with tears in his eyes, until he nearly choked.

*

Despite all this, Oikawa didn't want it to end. It wasn't part of his character to simply give up, especially not when he had invested so much time, energy and emotion into something. That was why he decided to talk to Ushijima the moment his training ended, despite it getting harder for him to breathe the closer he got to Shiratorizawa. He stood at the school's entrance gate and waited for almost half an hour for the volleyball team to finish up their practice. Although he hated waiting he appreciated the time it gave him to calm his nerves.

Yet, when he spotted Ushijima and his teammates strolling towards him, laughing among themselves as if they didn't have a care in the world, he could feel the lump in his throat again. Instead of turning around and running away, he forced his body to move and approached the small group.

“Wakatoshi!” Oikawa called, hoping the volume of his voice could cover up his insecurities. It was the first time he called Ushijima by his given name but the way it fell from his lips felt right to him. He was completely uninhibited by the presence of Ushijima's teammates, raising his chin a little and trying to look at Ushijima without fear.

“What is Oikawa doing here?”

Goshiki grimaced and clicked his tongue while Tendou let out a low whistle, his arm snaking around Ushijima's shoulder before he gave him a suggestive look.

“Ooh, did he go to the trouble of coming all the way to Shiratorizawa just to see you, Wakatoshi-kun~?”

Ignoring the teasing tone to Tendou's question, Ushijima pushed off his arm and quickly closed the distance between him and Oikawa. He stopped about one metre in front of him and just stared at him, obviously not knowing what to make of the situation.

“What are you doing here?” he asked after a while, voice low and void of any accusation or surprise. Oikawa would've loved to scream at him and shake him until he got a stronger emotional reaction out of him, but he would've had to close the distance between them in order to do that, and he didn't trust himself enough to do that yet.

Instead, he clenched his fists and looked at him angrily.

“Can you tell me what we're doing? Is this simply a way for you to pass your time or is it alright for me to become emotionally invested in this relationship?” Oikawa demanded with a firm voice, ignoring everything else around them. The way Ushijima stiffened, startled either by his questions or their implications, made him feel guilty for a second—after all, he knew that he was subjecting Ushijima to a situation he didn't know how to deal with. Then he thought back to their last evening, back to the way he had laughed until he couldn't breathe any more, and suddenly all the guilt was gone.

“I can't do this any longer.”

Gesturing with his hands almost helplessly, Oikawa tried to find the right words to make Ushijima understand how much was on the line for him.

“When you're not with me I feel like I can't breathe, but whenever you're close to me it feels like somebody is choking me,” he explained, voice hoarse with too many emotions that made it possible for even Ushijima to spot his uncertainty. Oikawa took the deepest breath he could muster in this situation before locking eyes with Ushijima.

“Just tell me what I am to you.”

But Ushijima couldn't tell him, never had been able to and by now Oikawa actually didn't care any longer if he would ever be able to. He had talked about everything he had wanted him to know since their very first encounter, and even if it was hard to tell right now, he felt like he could breathe a little easier. Oikawa waited a bit longer for the words he knew would never leave Ushijima's lips before giving a dry laugh.

However, when he was about to turn around and walk away, Ushijima reached for his wrist and stopped him. If it had been any other human being, Oikawa had tried to break free; he didn't particularly like to be touched, after all. But Ushijima's skin on his own had always felt impossibly calming to him, so he merely tensed up before facing him again, his eyes determined.

His breath caught in his throat when Ushijima let his fingers ghost over the skin of his neck, trailing up until he gently took hold of his chin, pulling him close enough to kiss him. Oikawa was so surprised he forgot to close his eyes, but the kiss ended as soon as it had begun. He couldn't hear the cheers and whistles of Ushijima's teammates through the ringing in his ears, but the long fingers around his hand were firm and real as Ushijima offered him a faint, hopeful smile before pulling him along.

They didn't say a word; neither on their way to Ushijima's house, nor on the stairs up to his room when he was clinging to Oikawa so desperately that neither of them knew whose heartbeat belonged to which body. They bathed in the silence even as Ushijima pushed him onto his bed, stifling summer heat around them, and covered his damp skin with feathery kisses.

Perhaps, Oikawa thought later that evening with his head resting on Ushijima's chest and strong fingers tangled in his hair, the reason their relationship worked was exactly because Ushijima was the only one who could take his breath away.

**Author's Note:**

> This still remains one of my favourite Haikyuu!! pieces I've ever written, so I decided to translate it from German to English. I might try and translate more of my Haikyuu!! stories (I've written a bunch but they're all in German haha), but it's tedious and frustrating because I can't quite get the atmosphere across that well in English orz  
> Thanks for reading!


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